She rides, I pay » Barn manners

Barn Manners: The Holiday Edition

Elizabeth — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 12:37:52 +0000

‘Tis the time of year when people give you a gift, and you don’t have one to give to them. When you receive a pink fuzzy sweater that you’d like to exchange. And perhaps there’s a coffee maker, a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine you’re thinking of regifting.

How’s a polite barn girl to handle these situations? It’s also the time of year when we want to thank the folks who work hard all year to care for our beasts—the barn workers, the trainer, the farrier, the vet. What’s an appropriate gift?

Pink’s not really my color…..

Seriously, what was your best friend thinking? Maybe it’s a hint that she wants to see you in something other than Tailored Sportsman azure, but if the gift is going to sit in the back of your closet until the release of Avatar 2 then go ahead and exchange it. Don’t feel guilty.

The situation will require tact, because you will have to tell your friend about the exchange: “Melissa, it was so kind of you to give me something so pretty. I hope you don’t mind that I exchanged it for something in a lighter shade. What a treat to have a beautiful top that I promise will never see the inside of a barn!” Don’t forget to write her a thank-you note.

The time not to exchange a gift is when you’ve received something handmade or so unique that the gift-giver would be hurt if you traded it in for something else. Trainers, this means you: No matter how many coffee mugs or homemade holiday ornaments you receive from 7-year-old students you must keep them forever, less you break their wee little hearts. And you must eat every last cookie they make for you.

Many stores make exchanges easier and less awkward by offering to enclose a gift receipt in the gift box that doesn’t show the price. (Start including gift receipts in the gifts you give for good gift karma.)

Regifting

This practice of gift recycling is a favorite of members of the old school, the die-hard practical and the tightwad. But is “regifting” an acceptable, i.e., polite, practice? It depends.

Our desire to regift is a symptom of the economy, our surplus of “stuff,” and a desire to be practical and give away things we know we won’t ever use. Regift with caution and only when the following criteria are met:

The gift is something the recipient would really like to receive. Don’t give a box of chocolates to your friend who worked hard all year to lose 20 pounds.
The gift is brand new (no cast-offs allowed) and comes in its original packaging. If you already opened the Chia Pet and threw out the box, you can’t give it to someone else.
The gift isn’t handmade or one-of-a-kind, such as a handmade sweater or acquired during your parent’s 30^th anniversary trip to Greece.

Make sure you don’t hurt feelings—neither the original giver’s nor the recipient’s. Would the person who gave you the gift mind that you passed it along? Do he and the recipient of your gift know each other, and would it be awkward if they realized that you’ve recycled a gift from one to the other? Make no mistake, the potential for humiliation does exist, and many consider this practice to be completely unacceptable.

But here are the kind of situations where I think it works. Last night you went to holiday party A, where there was a gift exchange and you came home with a nice bottle of wine. Tonight you’re going to holiday party B and you would like to bring a gift to the hostess. You forgot to pick something up, and she’s a big fan of red wine. As long as the guest lists don’t overlap, last night’s gift is tonight’s hostess gift.

Only you can decide whether to pass along a gift, and if, so how to do it appropriately. Think through each situation carefully and then, if in doubt, don’t do it.

Holiday Thank Yous For Horsey Helpers

The end of the year is the traditional time to acknowledge the hard work of the service providers in your life. For us COTHers, that isn’t usually the doorman, nanny or personal trainer; it’s the farrier, barn workers, grooms, vets and barn managers who care for our beloved animals as well as the trainers who teach us and our children.

The most important gift you can give these folks is to settle any and all debts you may have incurred during the year if your account is not current. Often, these are the folks who won’t speak up when your account is several hundred dollars behind and won’t charge interest. Do the right thing so that they aren’t left shortchanged over the holiday season.

Keep in mind, all of these gifts are optional. Many of us are on a very strict budget and simply can’t give anything this year. That’s OK. Take the time to write a note of appreciation. You’ll be amazed at the impact.

Gifts for grooms and barn employees can run the gamut from cash and gift cards to homemade treats and specialty food baskets. In many parts of the country, it’s traditional to provide a cash tip to barn workers and grooms. If you’re new to the barn, ask other boarders what is typically done. It’s appropriate to give a higher amount to full-time workers. Give to each worker—even those that you may not see.

If your budget is tight, don’t feel pressured to give what you don’t have. You may leave a large tray of cookies or other group gift for all of them to share, just be sure to leave a note addressed to all of them.

Body lotions, gift cards for manicures and any other kind of pampering products are great gifts for female barn staff. Gift cards for $10 or $20 to the favorite local sandwich or coffee shop work for men and women.

Regardless of what you give, include a hand-written note of thanks to express your appreciation. Two or three brief sentences are all that’s needed: “Amanda, thank you for everything you do all year long to take such good care of Toto. We both appreciate you very much!”

For farriers, cash tips are appropriate, as are gift cards. The same holds true for trainers. If you know someone’s personal interest or taste, gift accordingly, a favorite bottle of spirits, a new book by a favorite author, luggage, or a gift card to a favorite restaurant, bookstore or electronics store.

Encourage your child to get involved in the gift-giving. They can help select the gifts, wrap and write notes thanking people for their service and hard work. These are important rituals that help kids learn how to express appreciation.

Veterinarians’ offices are a great place to bring food trays or baskets along with a personal note of thanks.

Gracious receiving

And finally, what should you do when someone gives you a gift, and you don’t have one for them in return? Smile, open the gift, say thank you. Write a thank-you note. There’s no need to reciprocate.

Happy Holidays!

This article was originally published on The Chronicle of the Horse website.

Barn Manners: Banish The Borrowers?

Elizabeth — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 18:44:49 +0000

Hey, can I borrow that saddle pad?

Question: There’s a person in our barn who is constantly borrowing things from everyone else—polo wraps, boots, bits, spurs, stirrups, she even used someone else’s saddle for the entire show season. We all know it’s expensive to ride, and you can’t always afford to buy everything your horse needs. And I don’t mind lending things out once in a while. But this chronic lending seems to be a solution rather than a stop-gap measure. In my opinion, if you can’t afford to be in the sport, get out. Harsh, I know. Should I share my views or sit back and continue to watch this person benefit from everyone’s generosity?

Answer: Ouch! I see we’ve touched on a sensitive subject. Understandable. Most of us work darn hard to pay to (or, ahem, to pay for someone else to) participate in this sport. And it doesn’t come cheap. Board, supplements, lessons, equipment and vet bills are just a few of the regular required outlays. Horse shows add a whole new level of stomach-churning expense to the equation.

Your barn-mate may be suffering from “reality-deficit.” Her equestrian trousseau is obviously not complete. She’s been fortunate up to now to benefit from the generosity of others, but it sounds like it may be time for her to invest in some additional essentials.

What’s the reason for the disconnect? There could be many. She may not know what she needs or the best way to go about getting it. Or, as you suspect, she could be taking advantage of others. But I’m guessing that her intentions are not that intentional or nefarious.

Don’t share your own items if you don’t want to. If asked, say: “Sorry, I don’t lend out my equipment. Thanks for understanding.” That should leave no doubt about your opinion on lending.

If this boarder is a tween or teen with non-horsey parents, it’s likely that her mom and dad have no idea the extensive borrowing is taking place. Perhaps her trainer or someone else in the barn could sit down with the kid and parents and help them write a list of items they need, ranking them by priority. Share the barn’s favorite second-hand tack shops and favorite online bargain sites too. This approach can work with adults too.

There are a lot of junior riders headed to finals this weekend that are there not only because of the blessing of borrowed tack, but also borrowed horses driven in a borrowed trailer.

Yes, our sport is expensive, but it’s also a sport that brings out the spirit of generosity in many of us.

This article first appeared on The Chronicle of the Horse website.

Barn Manners: How to Get Someone to Settle a Bill

Elizabeth — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 14:26:46 +0000

Question: Earlier in the show season, a friend asked me to trailer her horse to a local horse show. I agreed and we settled on a price of a dollar per mile. When the show was over, I let her know that the trip was 225 miles round trip. Six weeks have passed, and I’m still waiting to get paid. I’m getting annoyed. What should I do?

Answer: You and your friend agreed on a price. You provided the service. It’s time for her to settle her bill. First, I’d recommend writing out a bill, with a date the service was provided. Leave it in her tack trunk or locker.

Next time you see her, ask, “Did you see the bill I left you for the trailering?” If she says yes, following up with, “Can you write me a check today?” I’d even follow her out to the car while she gets her checkbook.

If you leave her a bill and still get no response, try calling her or sending an email. Be polite, but firm. Say: “Hi there. Can you please leave me a check at the barn for the $225 for the trailering? Thanks.” Keep at it until you get a response. In the future, you can avoid this situation by asking people to pay for trailering in advance.

Fortunately, in most cases, this is an honest oversight. For some of us it can be a matter of waiting for that next paycheck to come in, as (yikes) things can get tight at the end of show season. If you owe money to your trainer, barn owner, the person who does your trailering or braider and can’t pay right away, speak up! Let them know when they can expect to get paid. Make payments if you have to, which shows a good faith effort to settle your debts.

This article was first published on The Chronicle of the Horse website.

Barn Manners: Graduation Announcements and Gifts

Elizabeth — Wed, 26 May 2010 16:23:08 +0000

Question: A bunch of the girls at the barn are graduating from high school soon. One has mailed me a graduation announcement. Am I obligated to send her a gift? And if I give her a gift, shouldn’t I give the others a gift as well?

Answer: ‘Tis the season of graduations and weddings, and if you’re been invited to several, your joy may be somewhat tempered by the inherent gifting obligations that accompany these celebrations.

Read the rest of this story on The Chronicle of the Horse website…..

Barn Manners: Unsolicited Advice

Elizabeth — Fri, 14 May 2010 15:33:43 +0000

Question: There’s a boarder at the barn who loves to offer unsolicited advice. Whether it’s about my horse—“Maybe you should try some calming supplements,” and “Is he always this crazy?” or my riding, “If I were you, I’d really starting working on getting him to bend more, try doing some 20-meter circles.” She won’t stop! It’s driving me crazy. This person has no more experience than I do. What can I say to make her stop?

Answer: Oh, the urge to give you some snarky comments to throw her way are strong, but…I….will…suppress…them. Some people are just built this way, feeling it is their purpose to help those around them, whether we want that help or not.

You can try ignoring her, just saying “Yeah, uh huh, thanks….” But it sounds like you are past that point. But do keep in mind that she may view her comments as just giving you ideas or trying to build a friendship based on your common interest.

Think about any past conversations you’ve had with her. Did you vent or express frustration with your horse or riding? You may have made some off-hand remarks that made her think you were looking for this advice. She may feel obliged to “help” you. Are you thinking “guilty!”? If so, the next time she offers a gem of her equine experience, say, “Oh, I was just venting about Ziggy being crazy all the time, it’s not really an issue. Thanks for listening.”

Assuming that you don’t find yourself in any of the above scenarios, then I’d simply and politely ask her to stop. Say: “Janet, I don’t really need any advice. Can we talk about something else? Thanks.”

Believe it or not, it’s a lot easier to deliver this kind of message than you’d think.

This article originally appeared on The Chronicle of the Horse website.

How Are Your Ground Manners?

Elizabeth — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 19:33:44 +0000

I’ve been reading several excellent archived columns by Susie Schoellkopf and Linda Allen on the Chronicle website. I’ve found two kindred spirits—horsewomen who demand we look at the hallmarks of sportsmanship and good manners then urge us to lead by example.

If you only have time to read only one or two, start with “Think ‘We’ Not ‘I’ To Succeed In This World.” Written one year ago, Susie asks today’s professionals and junior riders to compare their horsemanship skills and decorum to the horsemen and women of 20 and 30 years ago. Would we ever have seen Rodney Jenkins or Michael Matz warming up while wearing an iPod? Would a competitor of 10 years ago jog a hunter in a tank top and shorts? Can today’s junior riders braid, ship and wrap their own horses? Do they understand the basic health needs of their animals?

I confess, it’s troublesome to ponder. As a mother who does know how to do these things, I look inward and ask myself if I am doing everything I can to teach my daughter how to be a polite, knowledgeable and self-sufficient horsewoman. I will often do things myself rather than take the time to explain to her what I am doing and why. Rationalizations include: “She’s only 12! It’s faster this way! I want her to get as much sleep as possible! We’ll never get home in time for dinner. I’ll have her do it the next time!”

It’s time for me to reassess my thinking. Riding is one small part of what we do in this sport. Learning to care for the animal, doing the work to prepare for horse shows, sowing respect for others and teamwork is equally important. Manners are based on the principles of honesty, respect and consideration. Good horsemanship requires these qualities plus a strong work ethic and a sense of fair play.

Another great Susie Schoellkopf piece is called “What Happened To Manners And Sportsmanship?” I’d like to see this piece hung in every tack room.

Read international course designer Linda Allen’s piece, “Does Our Sport Have To Be So Exclusive?” It’s a somewhat painful read, showing some areas where our sport is truly lacking in courtesy and good sportsmanship. Continued….

Barn Manners: “Door!”

Elizabeth — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 20:36:25 +0000

Don't come in unless you yell "Door!"

Question: Yesterday I was riding in the indoor when one of the lesson kids’ mom walked right in the ring with her DOG! No “Door!” or anything. She just walked right in without even looking. I had to pull up my 4-year-old to a halt. Luckily no one was hurt. She never even apologized, she just kept walking! I did say to her, “My horse could have hit your dog,” but she just looked at me and kept going. She’s been around the barn for at least two years, she should know better.

Answer: You’re right, she should know better. But sometimes moms forget, just like kids and dogs. I’m not excusing her behavior at all. Once you enter the barn, momness goes out the window, and responsible horse person has to kick in, or you shouldn’t be there.

Read the rest at The Chronicle of the Horse….

Barn Manners: Open Mouth, Insert Hoof

Elizabeth — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:26:20 +0000

Question: There’s a new boarder in our barn. I’ve met her twice, and we’ve chatted about our horses, etc. Yesterday, I was introducing her to one of the trainers, and I completely blanked on her name. It was so embarrassing! What should you do when you’ve made yourself look like a complete goofball?

Answer: I’ve done one better. There’s a trainer that works at my old barn that I have repeatedly introduced to others as Laura, even though I know darn well her name is Andrea. Yet, Andrea still speaks to me. Why? The self-flagellation helps, but this scenario also calls for a sincere apology.

Don’t panic, because as you’ve just read above in exhibit A, you are not alone. To read the rest of this answer, come on over to The Chronicle of the Horse